She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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