When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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