my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
