There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
