My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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