The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
