I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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