I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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