So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
