you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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