so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
