you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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