My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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