I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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