I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
