Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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