i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
