I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
