please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
