Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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