Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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