hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
