I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
