I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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