I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
