well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
