"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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