I just threw up on my dentist
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
