I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i think my cat just said my name.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
