When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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