I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
its liver damage thursday
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
