if i can run in heels then i can drive
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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