My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
His nipple licking is glorious
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