Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
