I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
