we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
