I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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