Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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