Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
