dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Randomize
