You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
