so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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