I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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