my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
