So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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