I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
me + whiskey = a bad person
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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