theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
