I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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