Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
