Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
