I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
