can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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