shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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