He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
