24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
you never un-have a 4some
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
