you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
