she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
