u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I am naked and annoyed.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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