I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
