Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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